i was born a porn star she said
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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