I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
You took a bar mat shot.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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