Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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