We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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