Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
