apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
