I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
