I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Randomize
