he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
