1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
