Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
