we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
