one word: firstdatebathroomanal
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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