I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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