Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
