Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i just google imaged poop.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Naked. naked and bneed help.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Randomize
