my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
