Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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