When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
