i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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