I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Randomize
