mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
