I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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