I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
