Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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