I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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