I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Well I just put wine in my tea
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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