I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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