captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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