Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
