Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
