If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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