I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize