oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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