i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
