I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
