one might say we're banned from that church
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Randomize
