She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
