Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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