Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
