That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
