K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
