a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
