I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
