I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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