i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
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