True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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