1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
