Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
