I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
