I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
