Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
