Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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