if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
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