I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
