the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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