i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
