On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
