I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
